I was just thinking ...

It's a given that any of us could die at any moment.  As I sit here, an errant meteorite could strike me dead before I finish typing this sentence.  

Well, ta-da! Still here ....

I suppose I'm in what may be called a strangely delicate position.  Delicate?  An unusual word to use, I guess, but I'll settle with the word delicate seeing that whatever my health's outcome, it will affect, and is affecting the tender area of my son's heart.  This saddens me. No, it breaks my heart.  No mother wants her child to experience pain or heartbreak.  He and I are especially close.  We are very good friends.  I trust him & he trusts me.  It's important and wonderful to know that he is marrying someone he loves & who loves him back.  Ok, I'm tearing up now.  

I know he's going to read this.  He & I discussed not too long ago that honesty is very hard to express.  We discussed this blog & how difficult it is to be honest & not also be a downer.  So, being truthful in this blog is difficult.  Difficult because I want to shield others from pain or worry.  

Anyway ...

I just wanted to write about the scrambled thoughts that are running through my mind which is this: 

My medical treatment can -

• continue to work, or it 
• can continue to work but destroy my quality of life, or it 
• could stop working anytime 

It's all fate ...

At present, the second option above is what I'm dealing with.  But, I could live 5 more years or I could die in 5 months. I could survive my cancer, or die from it.  The meteorite could miss me or make a direct hit.

Despite the pain, and other horrible side effects, I understand I am in a good place right now.  I understand that it could be much worse.  And it is that understanding that troubles me the most.  

It's knowing ...

that I will eventually end up in a sickly state.  I don't want that.  Just like how I worried about chemotherapy, I dread this aspect and it is why I'm feeling that Doom Monster.  I hate feeling that pit in my tummy.  But it's there.  I can't shoo it away - though I do try.  It's just there & when it crosses my mind, it causes me tremendous anxiety.  Anxiety is not fun.

Now you see why I stopped blogging for a while.  But I promised to be honest.  So, here it is.

Eventually I'll come to grips with this.  I'll work through the anxiety and I'll probably stop worrying about losing the good place I am in right now.  I just hope it's not because I've advanced to a worse place!  Ouch!  I don't think any of us likes losing control of our own life.

That's all ...  

And please, I'm not depressed.  I feel pretty good.  Really, I do.