Dunno what to think ...

Looks like my first chemotherapy treatment tomorrow is canceled.  

My oncologist left a couple of troubling messages this morning.  After reviewing my Echo & Cat Scan results, she canceled the chemo.  Doc said she'd be out of the office the rest of the day, but wanted to see me this week to discuss the chemo schedule & change in treatment.

Seven minutes later she called again, telling me to come into the Out Patient clinic tomorrow morning, as planned, & she would talk to me there.

I dunno what to think.  This certainly throws a monkey wrench into my psyche.  As crazy as it sounds, I was finally looking forward to tomorrow's chemo - you know, to get the show on the road.  Toward recovery.

Why can't things be more simple?  

I find myself diagnosed with breast cancer, but the surgeon says it's baseball size is too big to safely remove surgically.  He sent me to the oncologist for consult & to also begin chemotherapy.  This is called neoadjuvant therapy, or treatment given before the primary therapy, which is the surgery.  The chemo would shrink the tumor for safe removal.

Both the surgeon & the oncologist were concerned the cancer may already be in other parts of my body.  This past Friday, I had the Echo, Cat Scan & a Body Scan.  I suppose their results are not good news.  What else can I think?

I feel so lost & lonely.  No one to talk to about this.  My son isn't prepared to discuss it.  I know he's concerned, but what can he do but tell me to hang in there.  

In my life, nothing has come simple.  There's always a twist.  A monkey wrench.  I truly believed I earned to live through my golden years in the most peaceful & simplistic way as possible.  I finally was beginning to accept the cancer, but now, I don't know what I'm expected to accept tomorrow.