I am such a bad blogger ...

First things first:  Two months until Christmas!  Ho! Ho! Ho!

The whole idea of blogging is to write at least a few lines on a regular basis.  I get it; and even knowing this, I've been a bad, bad blogger.

There aren't any excuses to explain it away.  I think I already mentioned that I don't like to be the center of attention - which might make anyone ask why in the world I chose to blog? 

Good question.  Really, good question.  While I think some of it has to do with that, the other is I am in such a quandary.  I don't know where I am in life, and that confuses & puzzles me.  Everything just seems to be scattered.  I don't know how to explain it.  I don't think it's suppose to be explainable.  How can you make sense on anything that has so many open-ended questions?
 

Someone sent me a link to a breast cancer website, & I realize it was sent to me with good intentions; it ended up depressing me.  You  decide .   I have not read it.  I don't want to read it.

I meet with my oncologist tomorrow afternoon.  We scheduled my Vampire day at hematology just before the doctor's appointment.  Tomorrow I should learn about the bone density scan & see if the tumor is shrinking (I think it is).  I have a lot of questions.  I really like this doctor, & as much as I hate going to the doctor's, I'm looking forward to this visit.

I've been taking my cancer drug 29 days now.  I think the tumor is shrinking.  The tumor just may have moved around a little or maybe it's my imagination, but I am sure hoping to learn it is a little smaller.  Wouldn't that be great?  The biggest side effect I have with this drug so far, is the hot flashes.  I actually feel as if I'm sitting next to a furnace.  I do itch, and I've lost head hair, though my hair was thinning even before taking this drug.  But it does seem as if I'm losing more than I was before.  Who knows?  The hot flashes will come in handy this winter.

I have to hand it to my son.  He is with me for each of my appointments.  I am thankful for his support, but I worry about becoming a burden.  I have to eat before they Vampire my blood, so we'll have brunch out at the Cracker Barrel.  I'm hoping for pancakes & bacon. Mmmm ....   

It's a funny thing ...

It wasn't until we were driving home from the clinic yesterday when my son said the word 'terminal', that I got the first inkling what this all means. As the doctor was telling me I would be on medication for the rest of my life; talking about 2 years & possibly up to 10 years - all that was registering in my mind was "Yippee, no chemo!" No throwing up. No nausea. "Yippee!" Now, I understand the unusual look on her face when I said this was a blessing in disguise. "Pills instead of chemo." All along I've been a rational patient, taking notes, asking questions; and then the most seriously important information she could tell me, flew right over my head. Maybe that's why the nurse later gave me a big hug. Mentally & emotionally, I'm fine. At least I think I am.   (I wrote the above to my friends on another website.  But the car ride is so profound to me that I feel it's important to include it here.  I think there's more to write about when reality hit me during & after that car ride, but that's for later.) I've slept only about an hour since 6am, yesterday (Tuesday).  I was too keyed up to sleep last night, & even during the day today.  I've got the Tiger game on now & am ready to relax.)