This week ...

What's on the agenda?  

Today I see Dr. Handsome Podiatrist.  It'll be a pleasure to have him touch my footsies. Ok, that does sound weird.  lol, but I think I can be weird once in a while, even if I do embarrass myself.

Then Friday ...

I've a visit at the county's Dental Clinic for an exam & Xrays & hopefully on my way toward solving my dental issues which will enable me to begin Bisphosphonate Infusion Therapy.  Finger's are crossed & my nerves are a wreck on that one.

I found some info on Bisphosphonate therapy that I'll post later this week.  I'm hoping it'll help us understand exactly what it's for and/or how it works.  I'll be honest, this scares the shit out of me.  Pardon my french.  Just Google 'Bisphosphonate Infusion Therapy' & click on Google Images.  Just looking at that, is absolutely frightening.  I can actually feel my blood pressure rise just thinking about it.  

Today's weather ...

... is a cool & beautifully sunny day today.  Current temp is 49, with north winds 22 mph with gust to 35 mph.  It'll be nice getting outside & enjoying the day.  I could live like this year round.

I'm wondering ...

... if it takes other bloggers as long to write their blog as it does me to write mine.  

And ...

...with all the insulting ideas, memes & legislation that the fringe-conservative pundits, politicians & law makers are prescribing for women these days.  I offer this:

Edit ...


forgot to mention the most important event of the day .... it's patty melt time!  Yup, son & I are going out to eat after the doc's visit, & guess what I'm having?  That patty melt I've been salivating over.  Woo! Hoo!  It may not be the best food for you, but it's some of the best for your soul.  It's also the little things in life that are important, too.

The weather is hot & I've got a scan ....

One would think this unusual & delightfully warm & sunny weather we're experiencing here in Northern Michigan would put a smile on my face & a spring in my step.   But it's only making me miserable.

Mid-80 degree temperatures just don't mix with my anti-cancer drug.  In the dead of winter, I had a 2 inch crack in my window & the heat registered closed.  Doing this, I was able to withstand the hot flashes that come from this drug.  They're not even normal hot flashes, either. 

I remember during menopause they were pretty bad & even embarrassing for me at work, but these hot flashes today - well, I told the kids today that if they could see it, they'd see heat waves similar to a road mirage on hot sunny day shooting out from all around my head.

I'm experiencing one right now.  In this heat, it makes me sick to my stomach.  Nausea in waves & vomiting at times, too.

This drug is causing me tremendous pain.  The last time I saw the oncologist I said it's like someone has poured cement into some of my joints.  I can't raise my left arm.  The right arm has it's problems, too.  Now my hands, I think it's the carpal bone, I'm not sure.  The pain is deep in the bone.  It doesn't really bother me until I try to use it, especially when I use my hands to brace myself to rise from a chair or bed.  The pain is so sharp & deep that I really can't use it.  The worse is the left hand. 

How are you suppose to raise an old body out of a chair without your hands?

Now, I guess anyone reading this can understand at least one of the reasons I've not documented my 'adventure'.   Who wants to hear someone complain? 

There's more to write, but it hurts to type, so I'll end this.  I just want to say one more thing.  Today, I'm going in for a scan to see how the baseball-size breast tumor, and lung nodules are doing.  Are they shrinking?  Have the nodules gone away or have they grown or traveled further?   I've been on the cancer drug for about 6 months, so I guess I'll find out, although I don't see my oncologist until April 2nd.

Wish it would snow .... btw, this is March 3, 2012 - just 18 days ago!

and I wish my doctor would prescribe this:

Oh, boy, would I like that drug!  :)

I am such a bad blogger ...

First things first:  Two months until Christmas!  Ho! Ho! Ho!

The whole idea of blogging is to write at least a few lines on a regular basis.  I get it; and even knowing this, I've been a bad, bad blogger.

There aren't any excuses to explain it away.  I think I already mentioned that I don't like to be the center of attention - which might make anyone ask why in the world I chose to blog? 

Good question.  Really, good question.  While I think some of it has to do with that, the other is I am in such a quandary.  I don't know where I am in life, and that confuses & puzzles me.  Everything just seems to be scattered.  I don't know how to explain it.  I don't think it's suppose to be explainable.  How can you make sense on anything that has so many open-ended questions?
 

Someone sent me a link to a breast cancer website, & I realize it was sent to me with good intentions; it ended up depressing me.  You  decide .   I have not read it.  I don't want to read it.

I meet with my oncologist tomorrow afternoon.  We scheduled my Vampire day at hematology just before the doctor's appointment.  Tomorrow I should learn about the bone density scan & see if the tumor is shrinking (I think it is).  I have a lot of questions.  I really like this doctor, & as much as I hate going to the doctor's, I'm looking forward to this visit.

I've been taking my cancer drug 29 days now.  I think the tumor is shrinking.  The tumor just may have moved around a little or maybe it's my imagination, but I am sure hoping to learn it is a little smaller.  Wouldn't that be great?  The biggest side effect I have with this drug so far, is the hot flashes.  I actually feel as if I'm sitting next to a furnace.  I do itch, and I've lost head hair, though my hair was thinning even before taking this drug.  But it does seem as if I'm losing more than I was before.  Who knows?  The hot flashes will come in handy this winter.

I have to hand it to my son.  He is with me for each of my appointments.  I am thankful for his support, but I worry about becoming a burden.  I have to eat before they Vampire my blood, so we'll have brunch out at the Cracker Barrel.  I'm hoping for pancakes & bacon. Mmmm ....   

Dunno what to think ...

Looks like my first chemotherapy treatment tomorrow is canceled.  

My oncologist left a couple of troubling messages this morning.  After reviewing my Echo & Cat Scan results, she canceled the chemo.  Doc said she'd be out of the office the rest of the day, but wanted to see me this week to discuss the chemo schedule & change in treatment.

Seven minutes later she called again, telling me to come into the Out Patient clinic tomorrow morning, as planned, & she would talk to me there.

I dunno what to think.  This certainly throws a monkey wrench into my psyche.  As crazy as it sounds, I was finally looking forward to tomorrow's chemo - you know, to get the show on the road.  Toward recovery.

Why can't things be more simple?  

I find myself diagnosed with breast cancer, but the surgeon says it's baseball size is too big to safely remove surgically.  He sent me to the oncologist for consult & to also begin chemotherapy.  This is called neoadjuvant therapy, or treatment given before the primary therapy, which is the surgery.  The chemo would shrink the tumor for safe removal.

Both the surgeon & the oncologist were concerned the cancer may already be in other parts of my body.  This past Friday, I had the Echo, Cat Scan & a Body Scan.  I suppose their results are not good news.  What else can I think?

I feel so lost & lonely.  No one to talk to about this.  My son isn't prepared to discuss it.  I know he's concerned, but what can he do but tell me to hang in there.  

In my life, nothing has come simple.  There's always a twist.  A monkey wrench.  I truly believed I earned to live through my golden years in the most peaceful & simplistic way as possible.  I finally was beginning to accept the cancer, but now, I don't know what I'm expected to accept tomorrow.