Stages of Grief ....

I don't want to write about grief & it's stages.  Honestly, if it's about yourself, then who would?  It's just too sad.  Who wants to be sad?  Not me, & I don't want anyone to be sad about me either.  I think we should all go out for a patty melt & a Tiger game.  Mmmm, patty melt ...

Last night while writing that long post on what's what with my cancer, I had a revelation.  I wrote:

When the doctor said it was incurable & that I'd have to take medication the rest of my life, I didn't think that was such a bad thing.  I suppose I wanted it to be like a really bad case of toe fungus or maybe like thyroid disease that would require years & years of oral medications.  You couldn't cure it, but you could manage it.

That's it in a nutshell.  That's what I thought back then.  You couldn't cure it, but you could manage it.

OMG!  A revelation!  That is how I thought of it!  This was a case similar to thyroid disease to be treated with a lifelong pill.  I just broke my own heart, because it's simply not true.

Protect me from myself :) ....

I guess I've been in a self-protection mode; or, & I know this might sound silly, but interesting things just don't happen to me.  I've enjoyed leading a quiet & dull life ( at least compared with others).  So if interesting things don't usually happen to me, then why should I believe it when it does.  You have to admit, a wild case of metastasized breast cancer is interesting, & would be exciting, too, if it weren't so bad for you.  Just the word metastasized is cool.  I just need to learn how to spell it correctly. 

So anyway, I guess for whatever reason or excuse I can come up with, I've been in some sort of denial.

I've been looking at websites about the grief stages, & they are as follows:

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression or sadness
• Acceptance

I haven't read much about this, & I'm not so sure I'm going to delve into this much further.

I'm not angry ...

I don't feel anger and I don't feel like bargaining.  I"m more puzzled & I do feel sad.  Maybe I'm depressed too, although I do feel pretty chipper.  

Last week after learning I needed to have Bisphosphonate Infusion Therapy, & knowing I can't unless my dental problems are solved - and knowing this is an expense that is probably an impossible endeavor - well, it's put a knot in my stomach that spells doom.  

These are horrible emotions to feel, so I'm trying to vanish them.  

Well, that's it for now ....  

I made a vegetable beef soup for dinner today.  We didn't have much in the house to put in it, so I'm calling it a pot luck soup.  I'd rather have a patty melt.  Mmmm ....

I'm happy the Tigers beat the White Sox, & I had a pleasant afternoon watching them do it!

Good grief, this is my third post in less than 24 hours!

My friend Jack